I was called a ‘good’ girl and always tried hard to live up to the tag ‘good’— a ‘good’ wife, a ‘good’ daughter-in-law, a ‘good’ mother. The pressure was self-created and more than anybody else around me, it was I who was holding myself from living the life the way I wanted to.
So, I got up early in the morning, made tea, breakfast, lunch for the family, and went to my school where I taught English. In school too, I tried hard to be a ‘good’ teacher. I would come back from school and start again as a ‘good’ mother and a ‘good’ wife.
I mastered the art of being ‘good’. But what I lost in the process was being ‘myself.’
One day, on my way to school, I felt all my energy had depleted. I sat down in a corner, and my every activity from morning till evening flashed before my eyes. I felt vulnerable, weak. What had I been doing all these years? I asked myself. It was at that meant that I realized I had lost the real ‘Jinnie.’
But I could not crumble, I had to remain a ‘good’ mother to my daughter. I felt I needed a change in my routine. I resigned from my teaching job and decided to pursue writing. I also joined gym in the morning to keep myself fit. I thought I would lose the extra weight I had put on during my pregnancy and maybe that would restore my sense of worth.
The initial days in the gym were quite tough and draining, but I somehow liked the rush of adrenalin. Each time, I stepped onto the weighing machine, I felt like an achiever. I changed my diet, started cooking my food a little differently, perhaps that also gave me a feeling of giving myself some importance. For the first time, I was doing something for myself.
I don’t know how gyming became my passion—I remember the first time I saw well-defined muscles around my abs. Whoa! I had never felt so elated in a long time.
Somebody at the gym suggested that I am so good at it that I could make a career in bodybuilding. A bodybuilding championship would be held in Mumbai in a couple of months and I thought I could participate.
I prepared for the trials and got selected. It was not something that I had ever planned. I was alien to the concept of bodybuilding and had never imagined or thought I would be doing so, that too at the age of 37. I went through rigorous training and didn't realize that I completely forgot about the nutrition my body required. There was no one to guide me.
Within no time, I lost all my strength. It was perhaps the toughest phase of my life --my family was not happy with my decision of quitting a stable job. The tough workout regimen that I followed to prepare myself for the championship drained me physically. I would suffer cramps in my muscles, and I felt weak. There were times when I felt like crying because of the pain and fatigue.
The only silver lining was that I participated in the championship and was not only accepted but applauded by the fitness fraternity and the media.
I have always believed that one should love one’s work as much one loves one’s life. I worked hard and I knew I could achieve greater heights in the fitness industry. There were many 'ifs' and 'buts' I had to answer. I knew that bodybuilding was the right sport for me. But I did not know what to do next either.
I got lost in a sea of my thoughts once again. There was uncertainty in what I wanted to pursue. There was enormous pressure from my family to return to a stable career that I had left.
One day, I was sitting on my bed, with my face covered with my palms when I felt the little fingers of my daughter. She was trying to uncover my face. She caressed my hair, planted a peck on my forehead and said, “Mumma you do what you like. I just want a happy Mumma.”
My little daughter had grown up enough to make me understand that being ‘good’ is not always enough at times. You need to be ‘happy’ within to spread happiness around.
My little daughter had grown up enough to make me understand that being ‘good’ is not always enough at times. You need to be ‘happy’ within to spread happiness around
The next day was a new day of my life. Once again, I started my fitness journey. Afresh.
I began reading about exercises, diet, nutrition. I decided to blend my passion (fitness) with my expertise (writing). I started writing about my experiments and experiences with workout and nutrition. Nothing, no one could stop me anymore. I was focused and contented.
I felt a change in my endurance levels. Emotionally, my daughter kept me together. I would come back after a long day of training and my daughter would comfort me, bring me water, talk to me about my plans.
Gradually, the small, weaker part of me which was fighting a daunting battle alone got a new jest. Now, there was no way I could be defeated.
Over the years, I evolved as an athlete. I learnt the importance of right nutrition—the three major components of our meal that are carbohydrates, fat and protein. I started writing my blogs. I changed my sport from bodybuilding to power-lifting, which I feel suits me better. I won gold medals in international championships.
I am doing good. I am ‘happy’ now.
--The writer is an international athlete. Views expressed are personal.